A few words from a BAD AMERICAN

On this Independence Day I found  a few observations offered not all that long ago by a BAD AMERICAN. The man was caustic, brilliant, and painfully funny. I don't agree with all of his points, but quoting George Carlin is bound to raise a few hackles and start a discussion or two. Today that is not a bad thing. Have a happy Fourth and a special shout out to all of you who can recite the SEVEN WORDS by heart. I can.

I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel

governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who

wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.

I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn it!

I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne, Ice-T or

Marilyn Manson sang.

I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer.

I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason.

I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do it in

English.

I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular

opinions or actions.

I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.

I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than

working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put

your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you haven't begun to be

enlightened.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God.

My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn,

Medicine Woman.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.

I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.

I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I

am freezing my ass through a long winter?

I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the

desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't burned any witches or

been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut-the-#$%!-up

already.

I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson

preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always part of the

problem and not the solution.

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running

from them.

I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking

the law, regardless of what color you are.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you

deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the

next four years.

I hate those bastards standing in the intersections trying to sell me crap

or trying to guilt me into making 'donations' to their cause. These people

should be targets.

I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should

be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to

never delay the rest of us again.

I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food.

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two

parents.

I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't

pretend they are a political statement.

I think Dr. Seuss was a genius.

I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the

mainstream media would like the world to believe

otherwise.

I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is sex for

both of you. This even applies when you are President of the United States.

If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.

If you too are a BAD American please forward this to everyone you know. We

need our country back.

George Carlin

ay I found these few observations

And the beat goes on...

I have discussed with a number of friends my opinion that this is going to be the least civil election in my lifetime, and I was there for the nuclear blast aimed at the Goldwater campaign. I anticipate the candidates, or super pacs on their behalf, working overtime to out-Willie Horton each other. I see the Obama camp playing to class warfare issues and the Romney camp tip-toeing along racial issues wrapped in the economy.

I am going to do what I can to keep track of the attack claims against the candidates. I think that maintaining that list will give a good feel for the desperation, anger, frustration and general lack of civility in the supporters of the various candidates.

I will do this, and update it periodically, based on posts that I get from “friends” on my newsfeed. I have an eclectic group of friends who love and hate the candidates in equal measure.

I will do this periodic report without my personal comment. Readers of my Blog are free to comment as they wish.

The newest sport is the posting of photos of the candidates with a caption added to the photo.

Since yesterday I have the posts outlined below (many times multiple posts) NOTE: this report does not include counts of pro and anti "liberal" posts — they run about even. It also does not include a count of cute cat and dog posts :

Pro-Obama or anti-Romney:

An Attack on Darrell Issa for going after Holder. The post pointed out that when he held hearings on women's reproductive rights he wouldn't let women testify. The post also claims that he has been detained on illegal weapons charges; accused of arson and arrested on auto theft charges.

Anne and Mitt Romney as animal abusers for both the dog and horse incidents.

Pro-Romney or Anti- Obama:

Debt ceiling: If your sewer backed up, would you raise the ceiling or pump out the crap?

Attack on NBC News for editing news to favor Obama

Claim that Obama Administration is going after Arizona in the wake of the SCOTUS decision.

Rush Limbaugh link attacking Obama

Obamas facing a crowd, arms extended, with the “quote”: “If you're stupid and you know it, raise your hand...”

Romney link “supporting” SCOTUS decision in Arizona case.

Anti-Congress:

Cartoon: Congressman responding to claim that congress speaks at a 10^th grade level: “10^th grade where we send our kids, or 10^th grade where you send your kids?”

University of Chicago PolySci prof. Objects to consideration of an Obama Library.

Anti-media: Fast and Furious will not be whitewashed

OK, so we drop an atomic bomb on the little girl and the daisy

“Mr. O'Dowd what can we do for you?”
“Gentlemen, I have a problem. My campaign has stalled and I don’t know what to do about it. Friends and consultants told me that you guys are the best campaign doctors in the business.”
“Well, we at Dewey, Foolum and Spinmaster like to say that there is no campaign that we can’t fix and no opponent that we can’t defame. Tell us a little about your opponent.”
“That's the problem. Guinness O’Toole is my opponent and he seems to be clean. There isn’t much I can find to work with.”
“You let us worry about that. What do you know?”
“Well, he was a paratrooper in the 82nd Airborne Division...”
“Hold it right there, Mr. O'Dowd. If I remember, the 82nd didn’t let women serve in the division until the late seventies.”
“I think that’s right.”
“Well then, there’s a start. O’Toole was a member of an elite, armed, sexist unit.”
“Not ‘unit,’ Foolum. How about ‘group?’  And not ‘armed,’ but ‘well armed with automatic weapons?’”
“Good point, Spinmaster. I think we’re on a roll. Didn’t the Army segregate black soldiers until just after the Second World War?”
“Yes, what’s your point?”
“Well, Mr. O'Dowd, the 82nd is part of the Army so, what we have  in just a few minutes is the fact that your opponent was the member of a well-armed racist, sexist group that trained with and carried automatic weapons.”
“Dewey, you were in the Army. Didn’t they have inspections?”
“Of course they did, Spinmaster, all the time.”
“Then we have a well-armed, sexist, racist group investigated by the U.S. Government.”
“Wait a minute guys. You can’t be serious. Besides, I was in the Army too.”
“No problem, Mr. O'Dowd. Your ads will say that you proudly served your country as a member of the armed forces.”
“But what happens when O’Toole goes nuts and denies all of this?”
“So? First of all, we wait until close to the election to release the ad. There is also nothing in the ad that is technically wrong. When you are called on it, we say that it was printed and sent out by an overzealous member of your campaign staff without your approval. You fire an aide for releasing the ad, we’ll lend you one of our office workers for that purpose, and you promise O’Toole to fix it.”
“Do I apologize?”
“Of course not, Mr. O'Dowd. Just promise to look into it. Look, Mr. O'Dowd, most citizens don’t trust or like politicians. They vote for them but don’t want their brothers, sisters, sons or daughters to marry one. People are more than willing to believe the worst about politicians. We drop this little bombshell close to the election and most people will only remember the worst and vote accordingly. What else do you have on O’Toole?”
“Well, his son is a sophomore at Harvard on an academic scholarship.”
“That means that O’Toole feels that the University of Vermont is not good enough for his children and snubs it.”
“He rides a motorcycle on weekends with Bikers for Jesus to relax. He has to be crazy to ride one of those things.”
“So, O’Toole rides with biker gangs and is so tense he sniffs petroleum fumes to relax; mental problems are suspected.”
“He has two kids and has been married for more than 30 years.”
“That’s an easy one. O’Toole opposes large families and members of the community suspect that he sleeps with an old woman.”
“He’s younger than I am.”
“O’Toole lacks experience.”
“Ok, his resume said that he graduated from West Point and went to graduate school at the University of South Carolina.”
“We’ve already done the armed sexist group thing. Isn't Carolina's mascot a Camecock?”
“Yes, so what?”
“ How about — took advanced training at a school that uses an abused animal for its mascot, an animal that people bet on to watch it fight and die.”
“Mr. O'Dowd, what are O’Toole’s positions on issues?”
“We pretty much agree on every major issue. I’m not sure where we can go with that.”
“You let us worry about that. Get us a list of issues and positions; we can take it from there. By the way, what about his family background?”
“His great-grandfather immigrated from Ireland around the turn of the century and built a life and career from nothing. I’m not sure what he did.”
“Whoa, there you go — illegal alien family with no green card.”
“No one had green cards then.”
“And your point would be?”
“I guess nothing. How about, ‘Questions exist about his family and how they made their money?’”
“We did just ask a question. I think you’re getting into this, Mr. O'Dowd.”
“I still don’t know about this. It makes me nervous.”
“This is the first time you’ve used a professional campaigning firm isn’t it, Mr. O'Dowd?”
“Yes.”
“People complain about negative ads, Mr. O'Dowd, but this is the way things are done in American politics. There are two facts: one, people like gossip and secretly love them and two, they work.”

Fear and Loathing on Madison Avenue

Madison Avenue and Big Pharma have managed to instill the greatest fear since toxic bad breath and ring around the collar into an activity that is supposed to be supremely enjoyable. Men of a certain age, concerned with their own mortality now fear the FOUR HOUR ERECTION!

“It is the easy and safe solution to treat that embarrassing problem affecting men in the intimate relationships with their loved ones. Contact your doctor and see if it is right for you.”

Picture a handsome middle-aged couple sitting together in the moon light. Their youth is gone, but their desire remains. (It’s a lot like my Honey Bunch  and me.) He slowly leans toward her (if she hands him a shopping list and a “honey do” list it would be EXACTLY like my Honey Bunch and me) and a rapid voice-over drowns out both the music and the mood.

“Possible side effects  are generally minor and may include: hair loss, flu, infection requiring hospitalization, bleeding gums, dry eyes, dry skin and dry scalp, constipation, weight loss, weight gain, both high and low blood pressure, bad breath, rashes,  heart, liver and kidney failure, respiratory distress, internal bleeding and the unexplained loss of the ability to parallel park.”

Sound familiar? The airwaves are flooded with new medicines designed to cure and treat everything from allergies  to impotency. The new name for impotency is ED. I have no idea what it has to do with that MSNBC show on social and political commentary hosted by Mr. Schultz, but that would be a matter for him and his lawyers to discuss. Linking him to limpness and sexual malfunction has to provide a cause of action somewhere.

Where was I? Oh yeah, the side effects portions of all of the medical ads do cause some concern. A hair restorer has, as a potential side effect, sexual dysfunction. Men take this drug (and wait-out the promised sprouts by buying  cheap toupees) to make them MORE attractive to women. If a potential side effect of sparse hair patches is the failure of the plumbing to properly function, I think that a problem presents itself and I would hesitate to call this possible problem minor. If a potential side effect is heart failure and infections requiring hospitalization, I have to ask myself if Cabbage Patch doll hair is really worth the risk.

Anyway, the new medicines will also cure or help hair loss, arthritis and heartburn. Millions of people are affected by these problems and the medicines come as a welcome and blessed relief—I think. 

When the Food and Drug Administration loosened the controls on drug companies and allowed them to advertise prescription medication on TV, the companies had to list possible side effects under full disclosure and truth in advertising. 

The first question has to be: why are they advertising to the general public for a medicine that requires a doctor’s prescription? How about we ban all medical ads and let them use the savings to reduce the price of the drug? Any advertising should be informational ads in medical publications, not in the middle of “Jeopardy.”

According to the census we just completed, there is one lawyer for every single man, woman and child in America. Big Pharma must provide warnings and disclaimers to protect their corporate behinds no matter how slight the risk.

That side effects sheet (in tiny print with chemical formulas) that your druggist gave you (and few of us ever read) is now read rapidly by an announcer as our ED couple joins hands in separate bath tubs on the edge of a cliff. 

If they are bathing in public in separate, but adjoining, tubs on the edge of a cliff it would seem that ED is only part of their problem.

Anyway, they join hands prepared to enjoy the renewed vigor and the reestablishment of an important part of their lives together. As the ad fades out, he is warned that an erection lasting more than 4 hours is not something to celebrate, it is something that can kill or maim. I think that worrying about that could be a real buzz kill, but I’m sure they have a pill for that.

I also pray that he is not suffering from  both hair loss and intimacy problems. If he is, and also has allergies, the combination of medicines may make him hairy, sexually active, hay fever free and DEAD.

There is currently a medicine that will help you sleep and can cause suicidal thoughts and a medicine that will help you stop smoking and can cause suicidal thoughts...and they said that smoking in bed was the thing to worry about.

Another medicine is designed to treat an anxiety disorder. One of the possible side effects is sexual dysfunction and suicidal thoughts. Gee, let me see if I have this right: I take a pill to help with anxiety and it causes me to have undefined sexual dysfunctions — no possible anxiety there, and thoughts of suicide. Even if the anxiety pill does not cause the listed possible side effects, most people susceptible to anxiety disorders would probably worry that it will. And what would you call the FEAR that the side effects may occur? Could it be — ANXIETY?  

If I’m not mistaken they are saying that their pill will both cause and cure the same problem. Wouldn’t it make sense to cut out the cost and the  pharmacist and take your best shot with undiluted panic and fear? Besides, I’m Irish. We’ve dealt with anxiety disorders for a thousand years with a good shot or three of Bushmills and never needed a doctor’s prescription. (Possible side effects of the Irish Cure are: headache, flu like symptoms, the mistaken impression that you can dance and sing, the unexplained loss of your pants and the mistaken impression that members of the opposite sex find you attractive. Do not operate either machinery or your mouth while taking this cure. These side effects are often not all that mild, but will generally disappear 8 to 10 hours after your last dose.)

Allergy medicines advertise that, while they may help with your allergies, they may cause dry mouth, sore throat, and dry eyes. What exactly are the symptoms of an allergy attack? Could it be dry mouth, sore throat, and dry eyes?

All of the medicines compare the incidents of side effects to clinical tests where some of the participants are given sugar pills (placebo). First of all, who takes sugar pills? Second, if you are taking sugar pills then you probably are in need of one of the 10,000 or so weight loss products advertised every 10 seconds, everywhere. Their primary side effect is painful and embarrassing gastric distress. 

The diet aids post their warning and disclaimer in letters under the attractive young woman who lost 75 pounds just in time for her high school reunion. The diet aid disclaimer says: Her results are not typical and, in fact, you have no chance in hell of losing 75 pounds in time for your high school reunion. Resign yourself to the fact that you will live and die as a really large person.

Disclaimers are not just for medicines and diet aids. Sport Utility Vehicle ads show some guy going up a climbing wall, dodging boulders and logs at 60 miles per hour in his SUV. The viewer gets all excited about the ability to climb mountains and barely notices the disclaimer on the bottom of the screen. It  says that it is a closed course with a really well trained professional driver and that you should not try to climb walls in your car at home.  The warning makes the ad just a tad misleading. You just decided to buy that overpriced gas hog BECAUSE it can climb mountains.  If it can’t climb the wall, why are they showing it scale Everest? It can’t be just a cynical ploy to get you to buy something that they admit is dangerous if used as advertised?

Enough on disclaimers and warnings. Oh, I almost forgot, almost none of these products can be taken or used if you are pregnant, think you might be pregnant, would like to be pregnant, are worried that you are pregnant, are young enough to get pregnant, have ever been pregnant, have ever known any one who was pregnant, or are nursing.

Our kids ain't dumb, they're mis-tested

Every time the school year ends national magazines  bemoan  the state of American education. They point out that, for the 50th year in a row, test scores are down and European and Korean kids are kicking our kids’ intellectual butts. DUH!! Like there is anything  to do in Korea BUT study.

The good news is that in tests of math and science skills, U.S. students beat out students in Haiti, the Sudan and an abandoned , shell-shocked, neighborhood in Syria. The bad news is that they fell behind  the rest of the world's countries having recognizable names (Myanmar??) .

I got a copy of the  standardized test used in this report and discovered a clear, intentional, cultural bias against Americans. This test required students to demonstrate skills and understanding in basic math and computer science, plus an understanding of basic physics, biology, chemistry, geography, and physical science.

See what I mean — a clear cultural bias against American teenagers, parents, and teachers. To correct the problem I have rewritten the test to take into account AMERICAN values. I dare those first place,  smarty-pants Koreans to try THIS test:

INSTRUCTIONS: 

Do the best you can and try to feel good about yourself. Life is hard so don't worry about how you do; we'll be there for you. Despite what he says, your dad does not use algebra and geometry every day. So how important is math anyway? 

Remember, to get ahead in life all you have to do is inherit or marry well. Reconsider that nerd sitting next to you. He or she could be a great catch. 

Start and finish the test whenever; time limits are so restricting. At the bottom of the test put the score you would like to have, pick up your Neat Kid bumper sticker and have a great day:

GENERAL KNOWLEDGE: 

1.)  In a cat fight between Kim Kardashian and Snookie, who would win?

2.) Sky Ferreira captured the teenage angst  of Generation Next (that’s what newspapers and magazines call you guys). Define angst: :

a.) The ill defined feeling that your parents don’t know squat.

b.) The certainty that your parents don’t know squat.

c.) That feeling you get when you don’t get your allowance.

d.) Angst really a healthy fear that your IPhone will crash just when you need to send a hot text.

Bonus question: What is a newspaper?

3.) If tickets to the Lady Gaga concert go on sale at 9 am what time do you have to get in line to make sure that you get totally radical seats? 

Bonus Question: This is General Knowledge so, name any General.

BASIC MATH: 

4.) A scalper offers you two 'sold out' tickets for $100.  How many weeks allowance will it take to buy the tickets if your parents give you $25 a week for doing absolutely nothing to help around the house?

5.) Take the number of minutes since your math teacher last mentioned that he/she was going to retire. Multiply that figure by the number of 'sick days' the teacher has taken this year. Divide that number by the number of pages of home work assigned. Divide that number by the number of pages of homework you actually did. 

COMPUTER SCIENCE: 

6.) Have you ever tried to point the TV remote control at Dad and push the “off”  button to stop him from complaining about your grades? Did it work?

ADVANCED COMPUTER SKILLS: Program your DVD Recorder to record “Glee” WHILE you watch MTV.

  

GEOGRAPHY:  

7.) Put on the blindfold provided with your test material. Now, take out the city map and locate The Mall.

PHYSICAL SCIENCE/ANATOMY: 

8)  In the song lyric “Shake, shake, shake — shake your bootie.” What exactly is a “BOOTIE”?

EXTRA CREDIT - Would you rather have your lungs ripped out or be seen by your friends leaving any music concert with your parents? 

BONUS QUESTION: Where are your lungs?

PHYSICS: 

9.) Force equals mass times acceleration. If MMA Star, Kimbo, hits Rampage Jackson at 15 mph how many ribs will be broken?

(a). All of them.

(b). Incomplete information — Does Jackson get to use his famous and dangerous left hook?

(c). Some of them.

(d). None of them - cause RAMPAGE SAID SO! 

10.) You are standing in the hallway at school and your new IPOD slips out of your hand. It falls to the floor. Why?  

(a) Just because. 

(b) I think it's that gravitation thing. 

(c) A number of the tunes were HEAVY Metal. 

(d) Who cares? I’ll get  a new one.

BIOLOGY: 

11.) Are the Transformers in the movie “Transformers” real or are they just computer thingees?

12.) Where do babies come from? Anyone who has actually had or fathered a baby may help his/her neighbor. 

CHEMISTRY: 

13.)  What do you get when you mix hot water and ground-up coffee beans?

POLITICAL SCIENCE:

14.) Name your Governor. If you don’t know what a governor  is, name the politician that your parents complain about the most.

Once you have finished your test and snuck a peek at your classmates test only to realize that they don’t know squat either, fold the paper in half (That means take the top edge and fold it down to touch the bottom edge), flatten the paper with your hand and turn it in.

All men should have a harem— for scientific purposes!

Doing some quick research for something I'm writing, (don't ask) I read the results of a poll disclosing that married people do the Wild Thing more often and enjoy it more than single people. The poll dealt with my favorite subject - Yuppie, materialistic, bar-hopping single people being frightened and miserable. I also read the poll because at no time did it mention Snookie, Obama, Romney, a Kardashian or Jessica Simpson. The one question about having sex with Anne Romney AND Michele Obama in the Lincoln Bedroom was included only to check my sad and pathetic fantasy life.

Along with the "Monogamy Poll" I found data from a scientific study that opined that the drive to cheat on one's spouse may be genetically implanted. (Note: When you discuss scientific studies you have to use terms like "opined", "data", "genetic" and "taxpayer-supported grant rip-off".)

At first blush (and I did) it would seem hard to reconcile these two reports. You're lucky to have me to do it for you.

The two polls seem to present a DICHOTOMY (neat word, huh? And you thought that reading my blog wouldn’t be educational). The answer is simple: The survey reporting that monogamous couples have the most sex and are the happiest was conducted by angry, biased women. The study that said men have an uncontrollable biological urge to sew their seeds like a John Deere planter because it is in their nature and they have no choice, was conducted by professional, impartial, male scientists.

With me so far?

Men and women have always viewed sex differently. From my own personal experience I can report that women see sex as the seal and glue of a relationship. They view it as a caring and sharing moment that cements two people together for the purposes of companionship and procreation; fun is an unnecessary byproduct.

Men, on the other hand, view sex as a great way to kill a few minutes while the coals on the barbecue are heating up and the band is playing during half-time. Women have a pure but simple concept of sex. Men have a simple but complicated concept.

Women view sex as a sometimes enjoyable act that expands our numbers while binding two people together in a strong family unit. To women, sex, while emotional, has an inherently practical value.

Men do not view sex as all that important. It is not the "end all" and "be all" of our existence. It is not the nourishment of our souls. It is not the reward for a promise of life-long commitment. On the other hand, if it were to be taken away we would shrivel up like one of those county fair apple dolls and surely die a lingering and painful death. See? Men are simple and yet, at the same time, complicated.

Prejudices aside, part of the reason that the women's poll reported that fidelity was good and satisfying was the way they asked the questions. I happen to have a sample of the questions used on the Monogamy Poll:

1. Have you cheated on your wife in the past year, you insensitive, grunting animal? Please make sure that the spelling of your name is correct and that your phone number is legible.

2. If you are thinking of cheating on your wife in the next year, which body-disfiguring and fatal disease would you like to catch from that brainless D-cup tramp at work?

3. Do you realize that the woman you’re hitting on is somebody's sister, daughter or mother - you slobbering, animalistic pig?

The men's study simply researched gene patterns and studied years of biological information that divulged that the strength of the species was preserved if the strongest were allowed to spread their genes among the masses.

Cynical women among you may feel that the Gene Study was self-serving and a justification for the scientists to linger over that Pyrex beaker of domestic wine with their compliant and supple lab assistants, but it is not so. Clearly, if the strongest, best looking and bravest among us were to fish in the deep end of the gene pool, society would benefit. Restricting the best and brightest to the shallow end of the pool is a selfish restriction and a danger to unborn generations. Women should be ashamed of themselves.

If the dominant males maintained a harem, the off-spring would be stronger, smarter, and better looking than some of those FLKs (funny looking kids) I see running around. I suggest we allow a group of scientists, doctors, athletes, and Professional Male Blogger Social Critics to keep a harem —for scientific research purposes only.

My wife says it’s okay. Take my word for it. There is really no need to check with her.

Faulkner makes my head hurt.

 A friend of mine asked if I was a Southern writer.

I grew up in the South and I try to write, so I almost said yes. I hesitated and, in my hesitation, recognized that the question was not rhetorical. (See - Southern writers do too know what “rhetorical” means.) Anyway, I said I’d get back to him after I thought about it for a while. After some consideration, I’m not so sure if I’m a Southern writer or not.

I think that Southern writers are supposed to be distinguished from other writers by their attention to personal relationships, their descriptions of personal hygiene and bodily functions, and their poor spelling. I have the pore speling down pat, but am a little squeamish on the other matters.

To be perfectly honest, I never really understood the entire sub-set of the “Southern Writer.” I think that a lot of the mystique surrounding the Southern Writer involves the thought that if we make a cult out of looking for something then it must both exist and be important. I’m not sure either is true.

I was never sure if the cult of the Southern Writer was established to separate them from the rest of the writing community for their own good, or for the good of the rest of the writing community. Writing is writing. It’s either good or bad. I never understood why it should be also north and South.

Charles Frasier, the author of Cold Mountain, is never described as the author of a damn good book. He is always described as the North Carolina author of a damn good book. It’s almost as though the reviewer is surprised that someone from the Tar Heel state could write a damn good book. What about Tom Wolfe and.... and.... oh hell, never mind.

Surprise and over-achievement must, therefore, be elements of the Southern Writer.

Faulkner wrote chapter-length sentences and paragraphs about people you would never want to know, doing things that would get most of us arrested ( or at least talked about in church on Sunday.) He also used language in a way that was often difficult to understand. I think he spelled most of the words correctly but, since few people understood them in his context, it didn’t matter. Using some of those words in his convoluted sentence structure was almost the same as misspelling them.

Faulkner’s language made it damn near impossible for the people he was writing about to read or understand what he had said about them. It was like James Joyce’s “Ulysses.” Many a college student started that book looking for the parts that got it banned and ended-up (like I did after most of my dates in high school) alone, frustrated, and confused.

Since most of the things Faulkner was saying were not complimentary, using almost another whole language to describe them strikes me as cowardice. But, since Faulkner is the definitive Southern writer, making fun of your neighbors behind their backs to their faces must also be an element of Southern writing.

Maybe it’s subject matter. A lot of Southern writers seem to deal not only with the relationships between family members, but the troubled relationship between the races. That can’t be it. Seriously, Harper Lee could have set To Kill A Mockingbird in the racially divided neighborhoods of say...South Boston. God knows they have more than enough Boo Radleys. It would work, and the racism would translate well into the northern inner city. You expect it in Meridian, Mississippi so stereotypes must be an important part of Southern writing.

The kindly old judge assigning the case to Atticus Finch and Atticus Finch taking it, twisted the stereotype. That too must be a part of Southern writing.

I can read and understand Lewis Grizzard, Roy Blount and Dave Berry. They are Southern writers and poke gentle, and at times not so gentle, fun at their neighbors in words we can all understand. They do it to their faces, but escape retribution by peppering the writings with stories of hunting dogs and references to Spam, boogers and bodily functions. I don’t know if this is Southern writing or not but, if it is, I have a problem — I don’t know any good hunting-dog, alcohol-tinged, cousin-abusing, booger stories.

OK, there is the one about my uncle and the the frozen piece of boar raccoon anatomy and the jar of white lightening. But that kind of story can’t be all that separates a Southern writer from the rest of the world. Maybe it’s having an uncle like that and having that story floating around in your mind that makes the difference.

Anyway, I spent a good part of my adult life self-exiled from the South. After graduation from the definitive Southern school, the army sent me away and kept me away for a long time. Let’s see, a white, Southern boy, Citadel graduate going into the army — no stereotypical behavior there.

Even after I left the army I remained west of the Mississippi because I liked the west. I didn’t get the claustrophobic feel of trees, kudzu, family, televangalists and silly politicians closing in on top of me that I got in the low country of South Carolina. Out west there was no swamp-soaked, kudzu-camouflaged low country, so I could always see any money-borrowing second cousin or tounge-talking, snake-handling preacher coming.

I returned to the South for a while and, while my ability to spell had not improved, my ability to maintain a good, old fashioned, gunfire-exchanging, last-will-and-testament changing, Southern relationship had gone the way of the $.25 bottled coke. I’m not sure if you can have just the bad spelling without relationship problems and still call yourself a Southern writer.

Anyway, I guess I’ll have to work on the relationship part.

Someone once asked how porcupines made wild, sweaty, porcupine love and the answer, of course was: carefully, very carefully. I’m not sure if  “carefully” is how true Southerners maintain all family relationships, but that is how my family does it and they’re the only relations I have to talk about.