Tuesday, May 1, 2012

They don't Make Jews Like Jesus Anymore

Sometimes its hard to be a woman
Giving all your love to just one man
You'll have bad times
And he'll have good times
Doing things that you don't understand
But if you love him you'll forgive him
Even though he's hard to understand
And if you love him
Oh be proud of him
'Cause after all he's just a man
Stand by your man”
co-written by Tammy Wynette and Billy Sherrill and originally recorded by Tammy Wynette

I heard Tammy singing this song the other night on some late-night infomercial selling classic country. I admit to one addiction that drives my wife crazy — country music.
I love Doc Watson and have for years. He said that he calls his music, “Traditional Plus — plus whatever I want to sing,” but it’s close enough to country to count.
Bluegrass does it for me, and I still listen to the folk music, Child ballads and Bob Dylan songs interpreted by Joan Baez in her younger days. 
I got hooked on folk music during my misspent youth in the 1960s. My love of Doc came along in the 70s and 80s, but has stayed with me. My love of country/folk music came about, in large part, because my warped sense of 
humor can’t resist a clever title or song lyric and no one writes them better than country artists. 
One of my favorites has always been David Allen Coe’s song about the perfect country song, “You Never Even Called Me By My Name”. It mentions mama,  drinking, trucks, trains, rain and prison; 
at least one of which is a necessary ingredient for a good country song:
Well, I was drunk the day my Mom got outta prison.
And I went to pick her up in the rain.
But, before I could get to the station in my pickup truck
She got runned over by a damned old train.” 
Song lyrics don’t get much better than that. I do have one objection. The song would be perfect if it had 
mentioned a dog. I have to admit, with that exception, it may be the perfect country song.
There are entire websites dedicated to some of the “better” country songs. I personally like a good ballad or a story song (except “Wildfire” and “Honey”).
I have to admit that this list does not include most of the country songs I like. It is limited to the songs with the 
best titles. I comb the sites every now and then looking for additions to the list. 
There is no way that I can cover all of my selections, so I just picked my top 25 favorites and put them in no particular order. 
To make my list it is necessary to be clever; including a good pun or double entendre doesn't hurt either.
I must admit that I have two “golden baddies” that always come up in any conversation: “Dropkick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalpost of Life” 
and “Here’s a Quarter (call someone who cares).”
The first is a favorite because it has been around forever and makes every list of bad country songs. The second, 
because it is a song title that can also be used as a response to complaining wives, kids, in-laws, or coffee-breath 
Kinky Friedman and the Texas Jewboys had a tie for entry. I had to pick between “They Don't Make Jews Like 
Jesus Anymore” and “Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed.”  After multiple reviews and a few 
drinks, I chose “Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed” 
...Ah, to hell with it, it's my list. I'm adding,  "They Don't Make Jews Like Jesus Anymore."
It is now the top 26, but I have to leave, “Ride'em JewBoy” out.
I left #26 blank for two reasons: next week someone will write a song that will need to make my list and I want to leave room—this is country music after all. I also want to issue a challenge.
Add your favorite. I don’t even care if it is a real song title or lyric. While I have heard most of these songs, some of the titles I pulled because...because...heck, because of the title. 
Feel free to  find or make up a few of your own and post them in comments.

Hall of Fame listing of Country song titles, in no particular order: 
1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed 
2. Get Your Tongue Otta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
3. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
4. How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?
5. Can’t Get Over You, So Why Don’t You Get Under Me?
6. Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
7. Got In At 2 With a 10, And Woke Up At 10 With a 2.
8. Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
9. Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
10. Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win
11. I’m So miserable Without You, It’s Like Having You Here
12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I’d Be Out By Now
13. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love Jesus
14. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
15. You’re the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
16. I’d Rather Have a Full Bottle In Front of Me Than a Frontal Lobotomy
17. I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn’t Spell Yuck!
18. Her Only Bad Habit Is Me
19. Here’s A Quarter (Call Someone Who Cares)
20. Now I lay Me Down to Cheat 
21. Dropkick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalpost of Life
22. I Got the Hungries for Your Love, and I’m Waitin In Your Welfare Line
23. I Guess I Had Your Leavin' Coming
24. I Only Miss You On The Days That End In " Y " 
25.  They Don't Make Jews Like Jesus Anymore

Honorable Mention:I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over MeI Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About YouI Wanna Whip Your CowI’m The Only Hell Mama Ever RaisedIf The Phone Don’t Ring, Baby, You’ll Know It’s MeIf You Don’t Leave Me Alone, I’ll Go And Find Someone Else Who WillIf You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker FlatThank God And Greyhound She’s GoneThey May Put Me In Prison, But They Can’t Stop My Face From Breakin’ OutYou Can’t Have Your Kate And Edith TooWelcome to Dumpsville, Population MeIf You Want to Keep the Beer Real Cold, Put it Next to My Ex-Wife’s Heart

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