Friday, September 14, 2012

Monogamy — a good thing, or the death of the species?

The news media recently reported the results of a much heralded national poll disclosing that married people have sex more often and enjoy it more than single people. I read the poll for two reasons: First, because it dealt with my favorite subjects of all time — Yuppie, materialistic, bar-hopping single people being frightened and miserable. And second, because at no time in the poll did they mention Mitt Romney or President Obama. The one question about having sex with a bumbling multimillionaire was included in the poll only to check your fantasy life.
At the same time that the "monogamy poll" was being released a national magazine released data from a scientific study that opined that the drive to cheat on one's spouse may be genetically implanted. (Note: When you discuss scientific studies you have to use terms like "opined", "data", "genetic" and "taxpayer-supported grant rip-off".)
One study says that the vast majority of people are happy and content in their monogamous relationships and the other study says that men are driven by an uncontrollable biological urge to sew their seeds like a John Deere planter. 
At first blush (and I did) it would seem hard to reconcile these two reports.You're lucky to have me, a Professional Male Social Critic, to do it for you. The answer is simple: The survey reporting that monogamous couples have the most sex and are the happiest was conducted by female researchers.
The study that said men cheat to perpetuate the strengths of the species because it is in their nature and they have no choice, was conducted by men. 
With me so far?
Men and women have always viewed sex differently. From my own personal experience I can report that women see sex as the seal and glue of a relationship. They view it as a caring and sharing moment that cements two people together for the purposes of companionship and procreation.
Men, on the other hand, view sex as a great way to kill an hour while the coals on the barbecue are heating up and the band is playing during half-time.
Women have a pure, but simple, concept of sex. Men have a simple, but complicated, concept. 
Women view it as a sometimes enjoyable act that expands our numbers while binding two people together in a strong family unit. To women, sex has an inherently practical value.
Men do not view sex as all that important. It is not the "end all" and "be all" of our existence. It is not the nourishment of our souls. It is not the reward for a  promise of lifelong commitment. On the other hand, if it were to be taken away we would shrivel up like one of those county fair apple dolls and surely die a lingering and painful death. See? Simple and yet complicated.
In all honesty, part of the reason that the women's poll reported that monogamy was good and satisfying was the way they asked the questions. As you might guess, I happen to have a sample of the questions used on the Monogamy Poll:
1. Have you cheated on your wife in the past year, you insensitive, grunting animal? Please make sure that the spelling of your name is correct and that your phone number is legible.
2. If you are thinking of cheating on your wife in the next year which body-disfiguring and fatal disease would you like to catch from that brainless D-cup tramp at work?
3. Do you realize that the woman you are trying to seduce is somebody's sister, daughter or mother — you slobbering, animalistic pig?
The men's study simply researched gene patterns and studied years of biological information that divulged that the strength of the species was preserved if the strongest were allowed to spread their genes among the masses.
Callous women among you may feel that the Gene Study was self-serving and a justification for the scientists to linger over that beaker of wine and their compliant and supple lab assistants, but it is not so. Clearly, if the strongest, best looking and bravest among us were to fish in the deep end of the gene pool, society would benefit. Restricting the best and brightest to the shallow end of the pool is a selfish restriction and a danger to unborn generations. Women should be ashamed of themselves.
I suggest that if the dominant males maintained a harem that the offspring would be stronger, smarter, and better looking than some of those FLKs (funny looking kids) I see running around. To support this theory I'd like to gather a group of scientists, doctors, athletes, and Professional Male Social Critics and give my theory a try — for scientific research purposes only.

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