I sat through the GOP “Debates” and watched them have all of the fun. Politics is truly the best game in town and I want to play.
The Democrats, uncharacteristically quiet, are providing little opposition for the GOP. Obama ran on a platform of Hope and Change. The only thing left of that platform is that the Democrat Party base is HOPING that the incumbent president is going to CHANGE (and grow a spine) in the months before the election—fat chance of that.
So, should I run as a Democrat or a Republican? No.
Should I run as a Libertarian? Not if I want to maintain my self respect.
I intend to run this race as a DAMN politician (Disenchanted American Marginally Nauseated).
I saw a bumper sticker that said: IF GOD HAD MEANT FOR US TO VOTE HE WOULD HAVE GIVEN US REAL CANDIDATES. I’ve repeated that, and people have come up to me and said, “Yo, John, our politicians are good people who do a thankless job for little money. Who do you think you are to cast asparagus at them?”
I usually respond, “Are you running a fever?”
Perhaps it really isn’t fair of me to attack our system unless I have some alternatives to the problems facing our nation and the world of today (right, like any of those other guys have solutions). I know that many of you out there have felt both disenchanted and marginally nauseated with the current system and felt that you had nowhere to go. Well, I’m gonna tell you exactly where to go — the DAMN party.
The Republican Party started with a single man with the idea to raise taxes, increase the deficit and help the rich and businesses. Look what it grew into. The Democrat Party started with a single man with the idea of raising taxes, giving the money away and creating a welfare state that enslaved the masses and look what it grew into. The Libertarians started with a single man with the idea to... to..., oh, never mind. If those guys can start a political party with one man with an idea and vision for the future then so can I. The masses, looking for promises and answers, will follow a man with a plan as surely as God created hyperbole, nepotism and political pay offs.
I’d like to take this opportunity to offer myself as an unofficial, write-in, non-candidate for any elective position that offers a big, shiny, black car and a shot at government kickbacks — in this case the President of the United States. To do this I have no choice but to announce the formation of a brand new, matching-funds-qualifying, donation-accepting, back-room-dealing, political party. I would like to welcome all of you to The DAMN Party. I envision the party as a benevolent, cash and carry, no money down, 90-day-same-as-cash, free-market enterprise with me running all of the blue light specials.
Third parties in this country have a checkered past. When was the last time you got the chance to vote for a Bull Moose, a Whig, or a Know Nothing (no fair taking the easy shots)? Anyway, it’s been a while. Third parties have been known to come along, get your hopes up by promising to fix things, toy with your affections, unbutton your blouse, ask you to the prom and then stand you up. I’m not like that. I’m committed to staying through the whole race. I didn’t jump into this just for the honeymoon — I also came along to open the wedding gifts. The DAMN Party will be a real alternative to the old, tired two-party fiasco we have now (except, just like the Dems and GOP, the DAMN party will be run by a middle-aged white guy who could stand to lose a few pounds - hey, it’s tradition!) To be a real political party I have to have MEANINGLESS COSMETIC POLITICAL STUFF, and I do:
• Party Bumper Sticker - DAMN It All!
• Party Song - What Lola Wants, Lola Gets (from the musical "DAMN Yankees").
• Party Slogan: We Fit Together Like My Hand In Your Pocket
• Party Promise: I promise not to steal more than you can afford. Ask yourself if any other candidate has made that promise. They haven’t. Now ask yourself why they haven’t.
• Party Mascot - We don’t need no DAMN mascot.
• Party Fabric - Damask.
• Party Favorite Greek Person - Damocles
In the next few months of the political season my faithful followers (and campaign contributors) can look forward to incisive opinions on issues facing the nation. I am a man with a whole bunch of ideas. All I need is your support (did I mention large cash contributions?)