You can answer most of life's questions through the genius of Oldies Radio and Standup Comedy:
Dating and the Legal System:
•By the time a girl gets to be full grown, the very first thing she learns, when two men go out to face each other, only one returns.
•When the final showdown comes around, a law book is no good.
Gene Pitney, “The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance”
•The yellow-haired woman was buried at sunset. The stranger went free, of course. You can’t hang a man for killin’ a woman who’s trying to steal his horse. — Willie Nelson, “Redheaded Stranger”
Self Reliance and Esteem:
•Oz never did give nothin’ to the Tin Man that he didn’t already have. — America, “Tin Man”
•They got a name for winners in the world. I want a name when I lose. They call Alabama the Crimson Tide. Call me Deacon Blues.—Steely Dan, “Deacon Blues”
•I raised a lot of cane back in my younger days. My mama used to pray my crops would fail. — Roy Buchanan, “Lonesome Fugitive”
•The moral of this story, the moral of this song, is simply that one should never be where one does not belong.
If you see your neighbor carrying something, help him with his load.
And don’t go mistaking paradise for that home across the road.
Bob Dylan, “Frankie Lee and Judas Priest”
Business, Taxes and Social Relationships:
•Employees make the best dates. You don’t have to pick them up and they are always tax deductible. — Andy Warhol
•When you’re a Jet you’re a Jet all the way; from your first cigarette to your last dying day. — Leonard Bernstein, “West Side Story”
•Kill them off; take their land; go there for vacation. — Rage Against the Machine
•Even the Jordan River has bodies floatin’. — Barry McGuire, “Eve of Destruction”
•Way-o, way-o, way-o, way-o, walk like an Egyptian. — The Bangles
Our French Allies:
•Sawed-off sissies who eat snails and slugs and cheese that smells like peoples feet. Utter cowards who force their own children to drink wine. They gibber like baboons even when you try to speak to them in their own language. — National Lampoon Magazine
•Always forgive your enemies but never forget their names. — Robert F. Kennedy
•Have you ever noticed, anybody going slower than you is an idiot,
and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? — George Carlin
•I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian
because I hate plants. — A. Whitney Brown
Women and Sports:
•If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base. — Dave Barry
State Lotteries and Gambling:
•Your chances of winning the lottery are exactly the same whether you play or not. — Fran Lebowitz
•The lottery is a tax on the stupid. — Fran Lebowitz
•I’ve got a whole lot of money that’s a ready to burn so set those flames up higher. — Elvis Presley, “Viva Las Vegas”
•Scotch and soda, mud in your eye... Dry martini, jigger of gin; oh what a mood you’ve got me in; oh my. Do I feel higher than a kite can fly? — Kingston Trio, “Scotch and Soda”