All men should have a harem— for scientific purposes!

Doing some quick research for something I'm writing, (don't ask) I read the results of a poll disclosing that married people do the Wild Thing more often and enjoy it more than single people. The poll dealt with my favorite subject - Yuppie, materialistic, bar-hopping single people being frightened and miserable. I also read the poll because at no time did it mention Snookie, Obama, Romney, a Kardashian or Jessica Simpson. The one question about having sex with Anne Romney AND Michele Obama in the Lincoln Bedroom was included only to check my sad and pathetic fantasy life.

Along with the "Monogamy Poll" I found data from a scientific study that opined that the drive to cheat on one's spouse may be genetically implanted. (Note: When you discuss scientific studies you have to use terms like "opined", "data", "genetic" and "taxpayer-supported grant rip-off".)

At first blush (and I did) it would seem hard to reconcile these two reports. You're lucky to have me to do it for you.

The two polls seem to present a DICHOTOMY (neat word, huh? And you thought that reading my blog wouldn’t be educational). The answer is simple: The survey reporting that monogamous couples have the most sex and are the happiest was conducted by angry, biased women. The study that said men have an uncontrollable biological urge to sew their seeds like a John Deere planter because it is in their nature and they have no choice, was conducted by professional, impartial, male scientists.

With me so far?

Men and women have always viewed sex differently. From my own personal experience I can report that women see sex as the seal and glue of a relationship. They view it as a caring and sharing moment that cements two people together for the purposes of companionship and procreation; fun is an unnecessary byproduct.

Men, on the other hand, view sex as a great way to kill a few minutes while the coals on the barbecue are heating up and the band is playing during half-time. Women have a pure but simple concept of sex. Men have a simple but complicated concept.

Women view sex as a sometimes enjoyable act that expands our numbers while binding two people together in a strong family unit. To women, sex, while emotional, has an inherently practical value.

Men do not view sex as all that important. It is not the "end all" and "be all" of our existence. It is not the nourishment of our souls. It is not the reward for a promise of life-long commitment. On the other hand, if it were to be taken away we would shrivel up like one of those county fair apple dolls and surely die a lingering and painful death. See? Men are simple and yet, at the same time, complicated.

Prejudices aside, part of the reason that the women's poll reported that fidelity was good and satisfying was the way they asked the questions. I happen to have a sample of the questions used on the Monogamy Poll:

1. Have you cheated on your wife in the past year, you insensitive, grunting animal? Please make sure that the spelling of your name is correct and that your phone number is legible.

2. If you are thinking of cheating on your wife in the next year, which body-disfiguring and fatal disease would you like to catch from that brainless D-cup tramp at work?

3. Do you realize that the woman you’re hitting on is somebody's sister, daughter or mother - you slobbering, animalistic pig?

The men's study simply researched gene patterns and studied years of biological information that divulged that the strength of the species was preserved if the strongest were allowed to spread their genes among the masses.

Cynical women among you may feel that the Gene Study was self-serving and a justification for the scientists to linger over that Pyrex beaker of domestic wine with their compliant and supple lab assistants, but it is not so. Clearly, if the strongest, best looking and bravest among us were to fish in the deep end of the gene pool, society would benefit. Restricting the best and brightest to the shallow end of the pool is a selfish restriction and a danger to unborn generations. Women should be ashamed of themselves.

If the dominant males maintained a harem, the off-spring would be stronger, smarter, and better looking than some of those FLKs (funny looking kids) I see running around. I suggest we allow a group of scientists, doctors, athletes, and Professional Male Blogger Social Critics to keep a harem —for scientific research purposes only.

My wife says it’s okay. Take my word for it. There is really no need to check with her.