Our kids ain't dumb, they're mis-tested

Every time the school year ends national magazines  bemoan  the state of American education. They point out that, for the 50th year in a row, test scores are down and European and Korean kids are kicking our kids’ intellectual butts. DUH!! Like there is anything  to do in Korea BUT study.

The good news is that in tests of math and science skills, U.S. students beat out students in Haiti, the Sudan and an abandoned , shell-shocked, neighborhood in Syria. The bad news is that they fell behind  the rest of the world's countries having recognizable names (Myanmar??) .

I got a copy of the  standardized test used in this report and discovered a clear, intentional, cultural bias against Americans. This test required students to demonstrate skills and understanding in basic math and computer science, plus an understanding of basic physics, biology, chemistry, geography, and physical science.

See what I mean — a clear cultural bias against American teenagers, parents, and teachers. To correct the problem I have rewritten the test to take into account AMERICAN values. I dare those first place,  smarty-pants Koreans to try THIS test:

INSTRUCTIONS: 

Do the best you can and try to feel good about yourself. Life is hard so don't worry about how you do; we'll be there for you. Despite what he says, your dad does not use algebra and geometry every day. So how important is math anyway? 

Remember, to get ahead in life all you have to do is inherit or marry well. Reconsider that nerd sitting next to you. He or she could be a great catch. 

Start and finish the test whenever; time limits are so restricting. At the bottom of the test put the score you would like to have, pick up your Neat Kid bumper sticker and have a great day:

GENERAL KNOWLEDGE: 

1.)  In a cat fight between Kim Kardashian and Snookie, who would win?

2.) Sky Ferreira captured the teenage angst  of Generation Next (that’s what newspapers and magazines call you guys). Define angst: :

a.) The ill defined feeling that your parents don’t know squat.

b.) The certainty that your parents don’t know squat.

c.) That feeling you get when you don’t get your allowance.

d.) Angst really a healthy fear that your IPhone will crash just when you need to send a hot text.

Bonus question: What is a newspaper?

3.) If tickets to the Lady Gaga concert go on sale at 9 am what time do you have to get in line to make sure that you get totally radical seats? 

Bonus Question: This is General Knowledge so, name any General.

BASIC MATH: 

4.) A scalper offers you two 'sold out' tickets for $100.  How many weeks allowance will it take to buy the tickets if your parents give you $25 a week for doing absolutely nothing to help around the house?

5.) Take the number of minutes since your math teacher last mentioned that he/she was going to retire. Multiply that figure by the number of 'sick days' the teacher has taken this year. Divide that number by the number of pages of home work assigned. Divide that number by the number of pages of homework you actually did. 

COMPUTER SCIENCE: 

6.) Have you ever tried to point the TV remote control at Dad and push the “off”  button to stop him from complaining about your grades? Did it work?

ADVANCED COMPUTER SKILLS: Program your DVD Recorder to record “Glee” WHILE you watch MTV.

  

GEOGRAPHY:  

7.) Put on the blindfold provided with your test material. Now, take out the city map and locate The Mall.

PHYSICAL SCIENCE/ANATOMY: 

8)  In the song lyric “Shake, shake, shake — shake your bootie.” What exactly is a “BOOTIE”?

EXTRA CREDIT - Would you rather have your lungs ripped out or be seen by your friends leaving any music concert with your parents? 

BONUS QUESTION: Where are your lungs?

PHYSICS: 

9.) Force equals mass times acceleration. If MMA Star, Kimbo, hits Rampage Jackson at 15 mph how many ribs will be broken?

(a). All of them.

(b). Incomplete information — Does Jackson get to use his famous and dangerous left hook?

(c). Some of them.

(d). None of them - cause RAMPAGE SAID SO! 

10.) You are standing in the hallway at school and your new IPOD slips out of your hand. It falls to the floor. Why?  

(a) Just because. 

(b) I think it's that gravitation thing. 

(c) A number of the tunes were HEAVY Metal. 

(d) Who cares? I’ll get  a new one.

BIOLOGY: 

11.) Are the Transformers in the movie “Transformers” real or are they just computer thingees?

12.) Where do babies come from? Anyone who has actually had or fathered a baby may help his/her neighbor. 

CHEMISTRY: 

13.)  What do you get when you mix hot water and ground-up coffee beans?

POLITICAL SCIENCE:

14.) Name your Governor. If you don’t know what a governor  is, name the politician that your parents complain about the most.

Once you have finished your test and snuck a peek at your classmates test only to realize that they don’t know squat either, fold the paper in half (That means take the top edge and fold it down to touch the bottom edge), flatten the paper with your hand and turn it in.